Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Mile In My Shoes

Going Back to “almost the beginning” I can see why my feet have never been able to firmly plant in the ground, and why it takes so many peeled layers just to see my face. Five years ago we moved into this house and that is one story. Five years before that, Jim and I became engaged and started our life together. And in another story altogether is the person I was in my first life.

The first twenty years went by slowly while I was moving through them but now seem like a blurry array of photographs scattered on the floor or an old video that cuts out in the middle of scenes and features a cast of actors you have never seen before. I had so many dreams and ideas as a young girl. I knew I was destined to be a mother, an artist, a teacher, a writer, a person that deeply cares for others. I did not know how difficult it was going to be to get there.

Time passes though. Love and knowledge find a way of moving around obstacles, meeting resolve, closure, peace, hopefulness…

After nearly ten years of “just saying no,” I am ashamed to say that I fantasized about lighting up today. What made me stop back then in the first place? - New hope. When I found out I was pregnant with our first child, everything changed - E-V-E-R-Y- T-H-I-N-G! For a moment, as I glanced down at the double-lined results of my HPT, time froze like it does for Hiro Nakamura on ABC’s “Heroes.”

Though I was not rescuing the entire world during that stand still, I was making a crucial decision to rescue myself. Just like then, there is always new hope and a thousand reasons not to return to the past but instead, to move forward with renewed hope that everything happens for a reason and that there is always a blessing in unexpected changes.

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